All this talk about Beharie and Fassbender leads me to another question. As I noted, the interracial-sphere was all a-twitter over the news that they’re dating. Which begs the question, why? Maybe I’m just a cantankerous old coot, and I know I’m seriously jaded when it comes to celebrities, but I don’t care one way or another who is sthupping whom. Do you think it’s the validation issue? One blogger mentioned “normalization of IRs” and that sent my blood pressure into the stratosphere. My marriage IS normal. There’s nothing special or unique about it and it doesn’t need “normalization.”
I think sometimes that the interracial-sphere serves to do the exact opposite of it’s stated goals, which is presumably to encourage black women to mate/date out. It seems to me that all this obsessive navel gazing has actually led to the otherization of interracial relationships. We’ve developed a separate lingo, most of which annoy the pig crap out of me: swirling, rainbows, playing in the snow. I resent this effort to make my marriage sound like some novelty you find in a head shop. And this veritable alphabet soup of acronyms is frankly, just stupid. DBRPABINXSBBQ! I guess because I’m a professional wordsmith/communicator I take issue with anything that makes language more obscure. This constant litany and rhapsodizing every time a famous white male looks at a black woman looks both desperate and pathetic. Seriously? Are we that thirsty? Do we really need untold numbers of bloggers reporting on the bedroom activities of countless celebrities like NORAD tracking missiles? Am I the only one who finds this more than a bit disturbing?
Essentially we’ve taken what is after all a pretty basic activity; a man and a woman getting together and turned it into an industry. And that’s pretty scary. I’ve been saying this for a while now, but apparently no one is listening. Spend less time reading blogs and more time socializing. Get some figure flattering clothes, put on some red lipstick and go get yourself a man, or two or three if you’re inclined. Men are not that complicated, if you look good, smell good and are even remotely friendly they’re going to approach you. Their egos are much too large to do otherwise. If you want some dick you’re going to have to go get it, and trust me, you’re not going to get laid reading a bunch of blogs written by people whose motives, and even sanity are questionable.
the one who writes 
OMG! This is brilliantly funny and so, so spot on. “AMEN, Roz, AMEN”!!!!!!
I will admit, when I was first introduced to the IR “blogging circle,” I was elated because I thought these were women that I could connect with. I was wrong. I soon began to see that the subject matters are nothing but mental preoccupations with ideologies focused on subjects that do more to seperate interracial relationships from the “norm” than to bring it together. Not to mention the petty drama that also came along with it…
…I was done last year with that ish.
I agree with Integrated Memoirs(have seen you on two I/R blogs I used to frequent). I now only visit and am a member of those sites that are authors/books related. It’s sooo tiring the obsessive behaviour. I started reading them years ago. Met Mrs Roz on a few even, hence why I could start following her. Discovered some good authors that way, but luckily most authors have yahoo groups and or their own websites, so can’t be arse to visit those I/R sites anymore. They take mucho energy, the circular discussions.
I understand IM. I think it’s normal to be enthused when you find something new. I remember when I first went natural back in 1998. I was absolutely obsessed with my hair. Tried every new technique, bought so much product my husband finally placed a moratorium on it! Now I’m like, whatev. Maybe my problem is I’m an early adopter, by the time everyone else hops onboard I’m on to the next. And like you, I thought it would be cool to talk to like minded individuals, only to discover we’re not like minded at all. And that’s probably more about me than them as well. i’ve been involved in IRs since the late eighties early nineties. Been talking about it online since the mid nineties. There have been like five or six different IR discussion boards over the years. Mindkandy’s was the latest. We had some great convos there, but it’s dead now. And that’s the natural life cycle. Boards would begin, get very popular then die a natural death as people moved on. (I think the same thing happens with blogs. I’ve seen several people start IR blogs only to abandon them shortly thereafter. I think they quickly realize that when it’s all said and done there’s just not a whole helluva lot to say about IRs.) For me it’s simply not that big a deal anymore. People have told me over the years that I should write a book about my marriage. And I’m like, and say what? The only time I think about my husband’s skin color is when buying sunscreen. (I found him an SPF 80 that he refuses to use. He says I think he’s an albino! Nope, just a very fair skinned redhead that I refuse to let die from skin cancer. We’ve finally entered the “bitterness and spite phase of our marriage and I’m having way too much fun to let him die now!) even so, I can’t imagine trying to fill an entire book talking about us, and fear for the sanity of anyone who would be interested. Is it Home Depot or Lowe’s this weekend, dear? Honey did you get highlights? Nope, it’s sweet potatoes and baby slobber.
Hola. You and I have gone over this phenomenon ad nauseum, Ros, which is a sign that it still after all this time confuses and astounds us (by the way, does that mean we’re confounded?). In an effort to normalize something that is already normal, or prove that it’s not a cardinal sin, they minimize it by using terms like “swirling” and “rainbeaux” and at the same time, “otherize” it as you so aptly said.
I know our history and I empathize with needing validation, but the behavior is more than a bit disturbing, Ros, it’s painful and oftentimes sad to hear about. As you know, I don’t frequent those blogs and have never been comfortable with them, but again, I understand the need. I simply don’t agree with how they go about fulfilling it. I don’t have the answers. All I can say is love yourself enough to know that a white man is just a man, and don’t fall prey to that mindset that black women aren’t beautiful or worthy and that by marrying, dating, sleeping with a man of another race, we suddenly will be. You’ll only end up with a lopsided relationship where he is worshiped and you’re, for lack of a better phrase (hey, it’s early), barely tolerated.
Sorry I took up so much space, writing partner! Talk to you later!
When I first discovered the blogs I too was excited only to realize that I dont really relate to these bloggers nor their following. They write about the same things over and over and never delve into the ugly side of Interracial dating. Im not saying they should focus on the negative, I always think one should focus more on the positive no matter what the situation but if your gonna advise black women to date outside their race, then you need to put it all out there the good and the bad. I think many black women that date white men or want to date white men look at things through rose colored glasses and pretend everything is 100 percent positive when they date outside their race and gorgeous white men will flock to black women everywhere as long as black women are open. Well if its that easy, then get off these blogs and go get one! And I too find alot of the terms they use pretty vomit inducing and cheesy especially swirling. They are making it all sound way too fetish like and your right, they do get way too excited everytime they see a white man with a black woman not just a famous one but any joe blow on the street especially if the black woman looks closer to whatever it is they look like. It is way too desperate and thirsty and I know its because now they are feeling validated because some white men are dating black women. Im with my man cause I love him and because yes I prefer to date outside my race but not because I wanted to join some bandwagon or fad. Dating white men should not become some movement and its actually making it look less attractive to me so if I had never dated white men before and started reading this stuff, it would probably scare me away. I try to conceal my boyfriend from this nonsense. If I showed him these blogs, he would laugh and say these women need to get lives. I especially get offended when I see topics that are basically telling black women to change themselves in order to pull white men or excuse me a rainbow or whatever it is they are calling white and other non black men. They would be highly offended if they were told how to change in order to get a black man so why is it okay when its for a white man? I just have a very different view of what BWE means and they might say its not about white men but thats 95 percent of their topics.
Glad to know I’m not the only one meh about Nicole and Michael dating. Best of luck to them, but it has nothing to do with me.
I started reading related blogs in 2007 or so, and was initially excited as well. Got caught up and such. By early 2009, the shine had worn off. Especially since it was becoming more apparent that if you didn’t fit a certain mold, the subtext was you were harming the “brand” or whatever. And ditto on rehashing the same concepts over and over again.
Question, Roslyn, on the previous iterations of interracial dating forums that you have observed, was there always talk of black women reshaping and conforming themselves to become more attractive to white men? I mean, I’m all for putting your best foot forward, but it had gotten ridiculous at one point, particularly with bloggers and commenters stating things like “white men have options other than black women, so we have to put extra effort to show interest” or “we’re the ones without dates, so we need to get with the program” or “We need to develop strategies similar to Asian women” etc.
Da hayel? How is this any different from some women bending over backwards for black men? Same coin, different side. I just can’t with the desperation.
I can say that giving up most of those blogs freed up my time, ha. Get off the blogs indeed.
No Dap, they were not. We were pimarily who were in relationships with men of other races, or who had preferences for men of other races. We spent most of our time talking about those relationships, with some talk about which celebrities we thought were hot. We didn’t spend a lot if time talking about black men, though theyy did sometimes invade our space. We talked about black women empowerment in terms of reading books by bell hooks, Michelle Wallace, Jill Nelson and history of black women. We discussed diet and health and issues pertaining to our children such as dealing with being biracial. It wasn’t all Kumbayah, we had some outyight brawls, but there was nontalk about mammies or remaking ourselves for white men. There were a few white men on the forums who made it clear tht they were with or wanted to be with black women. Every now and then one of these “where the white menz at” black women would come by and would be soundly thrashed and sent on her way. i suspect at least one if them has become a BWE blogger, but for the most part I don’t know who these women are or where they came from. And I don’t recall anyone ever holding up Asian or any other race of women as an ideal. We certainly discussed dating tips and the best way to attract men, but they were more general such as how to dress and flirting.