January 9th, 2011

I already mentioned that I never thought I’d reach this point in this pregnancy. Back in August when I was curled up in the fetal position on my bathroom floor screaming in terror and joy with that pregnancy test in my hand I couldn’t even wrap my mind around the idea that I was pregnant. In the days to follow I was just numb, I even convinced myself that it was yet another chemical pregnancy (egg fertilizes but doesn’t implant). That bought me a few days of peace, at least until I looked at the calendar. It had been far too long for a chemical pregnancy.

My previous losses had been so late-term I knew that it could happen at any time, so I didn’t even let myself think that this could actually be a successful pregnancy. This was a protective mechanism, of course. I decided I wouldn’t believe in it until I reached 24 weeks. I knew from previous experience that they can save six-month babies as they’re viable and can breathe on their own.

Then I looked at the calendar to mark the date when the baby would be viable and realized something startling: I would reach six-months on January 9th. And I started screaming again. Why? Because January 9th is my mama’s birthday. And just like that a warm and calm feeling flowed over me. No matter what I would be okay, and this baby would be okay. I couldn’t quite let myself believe that I would have a live baby, but at least I was pretty sure I wouldn’t lose my mind.

So here we are, with my mama once again looking out for me. I have been truly blessed. Happy birthday Mama.

I wrote this on my mother’s birthday, but couldn’t bring myself to post it before. It was too emotional and too personal.