Dear Oprah,

 I’m really enjoying your new vibe, and I like the shows you’ve been doing on Fridays with Kelly Ripa’s husband, Gayle and George Stephanopolous’s (Damn the possessive form of Greek names!) wife. I know you’re dealing with thyroid issues at the moment and that’s probably why your eyes don’t look right. I’m seriously worried about your health, old girl. I’m sure you’re addressing the issues, but just wanted to let you know I care. 

Now, to focus on a more important topic: Me. I can’t thank you enough for endorsing the Kindle. As an e-book writer I struggle with the fact that many people don’t even know e-books exist. Having you bring the Kindle front and center will do wonders for the industry, and for my bottom line. Again, thanks ever so much. 

Your friend, Roslyn

P.S. Oh, and that dress? Not so much. Contrary to popular belief ruching makes you look bigger. Man, I hate that shit. Otherwise, do carry on.

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